Delivering Tough Feedback to a Defensive Employee
When employees get defensive, feedback stops landing. This lesson gives you a structured framework to deliver feedback that’s both clear and kind—helping the employee hear, accept, and act on what needs to change without damaging trust.
Lesson Description
Feedback requires learning to balance directness with empathy, address defensiveness in the moment, and secure commitment to improvement through clarity and calm leadership.
In this lesson you’ll master the balance of firmness with understanding, keeping the conversation professional while securing accountability and forward momentum.
You’ll Learn How To:
Deliver feedback that maintains trust and authority
Address defensive reactions without escalating emotion
Focus on behavior and impact, not intent or attitude
Re-anchor the conversation on growth and accountability
Core Steps:
Open with intent — “I want to share some feedback that can help you succeed.”
State the facts — “In yesterday’s meeting, you interrupted two team members.”
Explain the impact — “When that happens, it discourages others from speaking up.”
Invite perspective (if defensive) —
• Acknowledge: “I see you were trying to move things along.”
• Redirect: “Let’s focus on how to give others space.”
• Anchor: “What can you do differently next time?”Reconfirm the standard — “We expect everyone to allow full updates before responding.”
Lock accountability — “Let’s both watch for that in our next meeting and check in afterward.”
Manager Mindset:
Understanding doesn’t mean agreement. Approach the conversation as a growth opportunity—clear about standards, open to perspective, and focused on building better habits.
📎 Download: Delivering Tough Feedback to a Defensive Employee (PDF)
Reminder: Join the Office Hours and Role Play Practice sessions for live coaching on managing defensiveness with empathy and authority.
Role-Play Demonstration
🎥 🎥 Watch: Delivering Tough Feedback to a Defensive Employee
Lesson Description:
In this role-play, you’ll see what effective feedback delivery looks like when emotions rise. Watch how the manager uses calm tone, structured language, and acknowledgment to guide a defensive employee toward understanding.
Watch how the manager:
Opens with belief and intent instead of criticism
Focuses feedback on observable behavior, not attitude
Acknowledges emotion without conceding the standard
Uses the AuroEQ A.R.A. mini-reset: Acknowledge → Redirect → Anchor
Ends with a clear next step and scheduled follow-up
Watch For:
How tone stays steady, even when the employee resists
The pivot point where acknowledgment defuses tension
The moment clarity replaces emotion
Reflect:
“What’s one phrase I could borrow from this video to help my next feedback conversation feel calm, not confrontational?”
Reminder: Join the Office Hours and Role Play Practice sessions to refine your phrasing and feedback flow in real scenarios.
Say This / Not This —
Addressing Insubordination or Lack of Follow-Through
🎥 Say This / Not This — Language Shifts That Lower Defensiveness
Lesson Description:
Your words can either protect trust or provoke defensiveness. These language swaps help your message land without triggering resistance.
Say This / Not This Examples:
Not This: “We need to talk about your attitude.”
Say This: “I want to share something to help you succeed.”
Why it works: Positions feedback as support, not attack.
Not This: “You make people feel unheard.”
Say This: “When you interrupt, it impacts others’ ability to share updates.”
Why it works: Focuses on behavior, not intent.
Not This: “You’re missing the point.”
Say This: “I get where you’re coming from—and…”
Why it works: Balances empathy and firmness while keeping focus forward.
Key Takeaway:
Defensiveness dissolves when people feel seen, not shamed.
Be factual, empathetic, and firm—the trifecta of trust-based feedback.
Reminder: Join the Office Hours and Role Play Practice sessions to practice using acknowledgment language and maintaining composure when emotions rise.